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[personal profile] littlesaru
Y’know, I got to thinking last night, while the remnants of a typhoon were raging outside my door. I was wondering how someone generally quite stable and mentally healthy can still have a great deal of things they hate about themselves. When you think of it a applied to other people, for instance, your friends, it seems… very strange. Then I applied it to me. I realised, as people sometimes do in the wee hours after drinking far too much tea, that maybe it really is a human trait to be overly self-critical. If it is… then I certainly share that trait. If it isn’t… then perhaps I’m a bit weird in a way that I didn’t think I was weird before.

Anyway, I came up with a long list of hates. Then I tried likes. The lists are interesting.

I hate…

1. the way I let other people over-rule me just to preserve the peace
2. the way I apologise for everything that goes wrong in someone else’s life – even if I wasn’t there and had nothing to do with it
3. the way I let people underestimate me, because it’s kinder on their feelings than proving them wrong
4. the way I overestimate other people’s intelligence
5. the way I let them think I’m an arrogant b*tch when I overestimate their intelligence
6. the way I keep on trying and trying to help someone even though I know I won’t get a thank you
7. the way I let people criticise me as though they know better
8. the way I let people psycho-analyse me with babble-rubbish as though they know all my secrets and can see into my soul
9. the way I won’t contradict them even if they’re wrong
10. the way I won’t do the same to them, even when I have my own opinion of their motivations
11. the way I turn into an arrogant b*tch when someone annoys me
12. the way I don’t do it to my friends even though they cross the line more than often enough
13. the way my accent and choice of words gives people the idea that I’m being condescending, even when I’m not
14. the way I procrastinate
15. the fact that I am argumentative without being confrontational
16. the way I let people take advantage of that
17. the fact that I know it’s OK to make fun of my accent and upbringing because I sound like a posh girl
18. the fact that I know it’s OK to make assumptions about people with my sort of accent because posh people are all the same
19. the fact that I do nothing about that
20. the fact that I hate my lack of fitness but hate exercise more
21. the fact that I internalise my anger until I explode#
22. being a shy person stuck in a world of non-shy people
23. being one of those people who blend into the background at parties
24. being intimidated by people who make strong statements, even when I know they’re wrong
25. being a mediocre writer
26. the way I worry about people, sometimes without cause

I think that’s enough.

Now for the likes;

I like…

1. my patience
2. my tendency to listen well and speak little
3. the fact that people underestimate me (also a hate)
4. my ability to understand and remember things for eons – even if they’re useless pieces of random rubbish
5. the way that I try to preserve the peace
6. my loyalty – even after years and years of non-contact I’ll still be willing to help an old friend
7. my honesty over the big things
8. my reputation for honesty – thus being able to hide secrets without having to try because no one thinks to ask
9. my politeness – I get away with a lot because I’m being polite about it
10. my control over my temper
11. being considered cute by people who don’t know that I’m a kinky perv (pretty much everyone RL)
12. being stubborn when I’ve finally made up my mind
13. being able to take on board other people’s criticism of me
14. not being a cry-baby but still being able to cry
15. my tendency to use silence as part of my emotional release system
16. my solitary nature
17. the respect I have gained even from people who hate me
18. the fact that I blend into the background at parties (also a hate)
19. the way I let people have enough rope to hang themselves but never actually tighten the noose
20. the way I can (now) let people be wrong, even when I know I could correct them
21. the fact that my writing has improved
22. the fact that I stick with things even when I’ve grown tired or disenchanted by them
23. the way I don’t do the same with people
24. the way I can be polite even when I hate someone
25. the way I don’t take everything personally but can still identify when things are meant to be personal
26. the way I can empathise with someone without having to have an emotional attachment to them
27. the way I’m happy enough with my body to avoid torturing it
28. the way I’m a mother hen but only sometimes

It’s weird. I like things about myself that I also hate. Or at least dislike. Or something…

Anyway, day at work was alright. I had one teacher forget about the schedule change and so I had to go retrieve her from the staff-room. But that was OK – it was an honest mistake and the students didn’t suffer too badly for it. (Actually, I’ve traumatised them and they’ll never recover, but shhhhh! Don’t tell anyone!) Plus I taught my favourite class ever. 1-6 is great, really outgoing, well motivated and capable. Plus they’re friendly and hard-working without being super-silent. I always leave that class on a high.

Going walking with A. again today – we managed to finish just before the skies opened up yesterday, but I had an extra ten minutes walk back to my place so I still got soaked. However, it’s sunny at the moment (just ignore the ominous rain-clouds hanging over the mountains, they’re an illusion) so hopefully I won’t get wet.

After the pathetic attempt at exercise I have a Japanese lesson – I still haven’t got the kanji down very well, so I’ll probably use the hour I have in between walking and lesson to swot a bit while gulping down dinner.

I really need to practise better time management. ;-P
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August 2007


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